No Words...

I don't even know how to begin this blog entry. The past two days have been indescribable; no blog entry could ever explain. My heart is breaking for my home state.. At least 149  tornadoes touched down in Alabama, ALL in one day. The death toll seems to rise every minute. 238 people, as of tonight, lost their lives on Wednesday. 238 mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, children... I never imagined such a thing would happen here, and I have to admit that I don't understand why. God does not have to "explain" Himself to me, I know that.. And I trust He is in control even when I don't get it.

Events like this are a huge wake up call. It shows me how fragile and weak I truly am. I walk around like I'm in control... Like I have some sort of "right" or "say so" before an Almighty God who controls the entire universe. Who am I to say "no" to God? Who am I to decide when I will (or will not) obey Him? Who am I to do anything but surrender all that I am to my God and my Savior? I am nothing. I am no one. He is awesome. He is mighty. He is in control of it all. And for some reason, He chose me, He loved me, and He saved me.

"Our God is greater, Our God is stronger.. God you are HIGHER than any other. Our God is Healer, AWESOME in power. Our God. Our God."

Terrible Twos...

God has moved in my life more over the past 3 months than ever before. He has grown me and changed me and opened my eyes to so many things. He has convicted me and brought me to some really tough decisions... But I have been SO frustrated with myself lately.. Especially today... Maybe it's a funk from the weather, I don't know.

I feel like I am no longer a "spiritual newborn"... I don't feel like God spoon-feeds me anymore. I don't feel like God is patting me on the back and showing me all the feely-good happy Christianity stuff anymore. Not all of the "oh look how much God loves me" emotions.. Instead, He has started putting some really tough things in front of me. He is bringing me to the hard stuff. And I feel like I am falling flat on my face.

To continue with the childhood analogy.. It is good news that I'm no longer a newborn. This means I have started growing and maturing in my faith. I am further now than I was at the beginning of 2011. MUCH further. But now I feel like I am at the "terrible twos" age. The age where I will look my Abba Father, my Creator in the face and say "No." I do things that I know are wrong. I mess up. I see the temptation coming and instead of running away, I catch myself running straight towards it. What is this? Why am I doing this? I know these things are wrong. I know this isn't who I really want to be. I know my Father doesn't approve. Yet I do it anyways.

I am a Terrible Two.

I know there is always forgiveness. I know every single Jesus follower on this planet messes up. I know I am not condemned because of my mistakes. I know I am covered, fully, no matter what by the blood of Jesus. I know God doesn't expect perfection from me. But I can't help looking at myself and seeing how rebellious I am. How sinful I am. How absolutely unworthy I am of the calling God has given me to spread the His glory to the ends of the Earth.

Why me God? Why do you choose to use a Terrible Two who disobeys and can't seem to learn a lesson? Why place such a high calling on someone who You already KNOW is going to fall short?

And then it hits me..
So YOU get the glory. So I have to lean on YOU for  the strength. So I have to lean on my Savior, JESUS CHRIST for the forgiveness. So I realize how unholy I am, and how infinitely and indescribably Holy YOU are. So I realize that I can never, ever be the person You call me to be. No matter how hard I may try. Not without Jesus holding my hand and the Holy Spirit continually chipping away at the old "me" and replacing it with YOU. I can't do it without You. I can't do anything without You.

This is the place I believe God wants me. I am still going to be a stubborn, stupid sinner. I am still going to fall short. I am still going to say "No" at times. I am still a Terrible Two. BUT I am a Terrible Two who has been saved and forever forgiven by a miraculous Savior. I am a Terrible Two who has a Creator that will never give up on me. I am a Terrible Two who is learning just how terrible I really am, but just how powerful my God is.

God, You can do anything. Even take a Terrible Two and make her into someone whose life is Beautiful in Your eyes. Not because of perfection, not because she never falls, but because she seeks You, she depends on You, and she realizes that she is nothing without her Abba Father, without her Jesus.

A new beginning

This time in my life is unpredictable, crazy, hard, and exciting all at the same time. I am headed on mission to Rwanda, Africa in less than 2 months, I am waiting on a response from my Nursing School application, I am moving back home in May and not living on campus next year, My roommate of two years is moving back to New Jersey for good, My boyfriend just moved out on his own, Old friends are graduating from college, getting engaged or married, having children... It feels like my world is spinning 1000 miles per hour and I'm having a hard time keeping up. Things are changing, and they are changing very quickly. Nothing seems simple anymore. Not that this is a bad thing, it's all really exciting... Just different. And scary.

God has absolutely rocked my world since Passion 2011 in January. I was baptized January 25, 2011 and I am, for the first time, learning what it means to have a true relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm going through the book Radical with my church, Jackson Way. It is changing my life and challenging me in ways I never imagined. What I have learned about being a "Christian" my whole life is wrong. Following Jesus demands radical abandonment of myself, my dreams, and my plans followed by radical and immediate obedience to my Father's will at all times. This is a whole new way of thinking, and it is extremely hard to change the way I have thought and acted for so long. I know the Spirit will continue challenging me and changing me, but this "new beginning" has proved to be the biggest struggle I've faced so far in my 19 years of life.

I am becoming desperate for a deeper, stronger relationship with Jesus. I fall every single day, every single moment.. But He picks me back up, dusts me off, and gives me the strength to try again. God is good, His love is enough, and it's time I took Him seriously and gave my entire heart and life to Him.

I don't know what lies ahead for me, but I know God has control of it 

and I know He will work it out for the very best. 

Romans 8:28 "We know that in ALL things, God works for the good of 

those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose"