Just Hush

I've just been thinking, no actually I've been talking a whole lot lately.. And this is the place I've landed...

I really need to learn how to shut my mouth. I don't consider myself a gossip; the first thing they teach you in nursing school is how to keep a secret. That isn't my problem. My problem is talking issues or situations to death. I want to figure everything out & I want to do it right now. So I talk. And I talk some more. And a little more. As if the more I talk around a subject, the closer I will come to figuring it our or finding some sort of solution. Ask Josh, he will tell you how ridiculous I can be with this.

It never works... So why do I continue to do it? I guess I have a really hard time accepting that life happens day-by-day, and sometimes issues take days, months, years to resolve. I could talk for days on end, but it isn't going to speed up time.. I've got to learn how to REST in the Lord. He sees the future. He knows how everything is going to turn out. And HE will provide everything I need to know or do as the time comes. Not right now. But in His timing. See, I know this truth in my head.. But I'm still learning it in my heart.

He is growing me & teaching me every day, but this is the issue that is heaviest on my heart right now. So I'm done talking. There are a million different things going on & a million different viewpoints and opinions about all of it.. But I'm not taking part in the discussion anymore. I'm just going to do what Psalm 46:10 commands: "Be STILL and know that I am God"

Lord help me because in 5 more minutes my mind & my mouth are gonna start running again.. But I know this is what You are asking of me & teaching me today.

Just Hush.

Reflection.

So I haven't blogged since September. I'm feeling the need to just reflect over the past few months. Let's see..

Right before Thanksgiving break, my mom texted me with a picture of some puppies and said "a lady at my work has free lab puppies if you and Josh are interested." Okay, what? My mom never encourages the acquiring of animals. We already had two dogs at the time; I couldn't believe she even told me about this. So, I forwarded the message to Josh, and he responded with "I think that would be a good idea, when can we see the puppies?" Okay, seriously? Josh has always been the rational one in our relationship. I am constantly finding things I want to get into.. I dive in head first without even looking. Josh doesn't; He thinks it through. He thinks of all the pros and cons. And he usually gives me a good ol "you're crazy. just slow down!" wake-up call. But not this time. He actually thought we could get a puppy! YAY.

So we went to my mom's office where the puppies were. There was only one girl there, and she chose us. We decided on the name Molly. At the time, she was only 3 weeks old so we couldn't take her home yet. We said our goodbyes and planned to get her ASAP. Over the next few weeks Josh and I went to PetsMart, bought puppy supplies, and even bought a Labrador Puppy book & read every page in it (which for me is really unusual). We were ready... Or so we thought.

Okay- break in the puppy story. We decided school needed to be completely finished for the semester before we got the puppy.. So finals came along. Oh boy. Talk about stress. I haven't ever been so nervous or studied so hard for anything before. I abandoned my social life and quite alot of sleep, but the Lord carried me through those days and brought me in one piece to the end of the semester (which I honestly thought was NEVER going to come). I came out with my 4.0 in-tact (booya!) and felt really confident but so in need of rest. -- Yea, I wanted rest.. yet I planned to get a puppy. HA. Didn't know what was coming for me.

School ended on a Wednesday afternoon. I went to the spa that day and used a giftcard Josh bought me for my birthday; it was absolutely wonderful. (BlueMed Spa is THE  place! Let me tell ya..) Anyways; Thursday came. My first official day of break. And what did I do? Got my wisdom teeth out. Oh yea, lots of fun. So I spent that day resting & listening to my stomach growl because I couldn't eat anything that wasn't completely squishy (that brought back disturbing memories from meal time at the nursing home--ick). Then came Friday. The second day of break. My mouth was feeling much better, and we decided it was time to get our sweet puppy.

And so began the potty-training, puppy chasing, carpet cleaning, crate training, and sleepless nights.. Rest? What is rest? I love that puppy with all my heart, but getting her at 5 weeks old was NOT the smartest thing I've ever done. The first three weeks with her were a nightmare and I wouldn't re-live them for anything to be honest. At the same time, our 2 year old Shizu, Piper, got sick. She stopped eating on Thursday, and we took her to the vet on Saturday morning (we also took Molly that day because she was pooping and puking worms. Fun). Piper had always been a "sickly" dog, but never like this. She stayed at the vet for a full week because we didn't have the equipment to take care of her at home, but we were finally able to bring her home for a night. She started to perk up and the vet had high hopes for her. Then she crashed again. This time, he didnt think she was going to get better. After a few days of testing, she was diagnosed with kidney failure & we had to make a really hard decision.. But we all agreed it was best for her even though we selfishly wanted to keep her here with us. We knew she would be better off in puppy heaven (maybe I'm dumb, but I totally believe in some kind of place like that..)

This all came to a close the day before Christmas Eve. Molly was better from her worms and had started sleeping through the night, but we were all so sad about losing Piper. This is when I see the Lord's hand involved intricately in our lives. Why did my mom feel the need to tell me about the free lab puppies? Why did Josh also seem to think it was a good idea? Why did it all work out so perfectly? We had no clue we were going to lose Piper. She was fine one week, and gone two weeks later. BUT the Lord knew what our family was headed towards, and that's why I think we have Molly. She is hilarious and fun and so sweet. She bites everyone and everything, she never stops chewing (which the Lab book warned me about), but she always has us smiling or laughing. I don't know what we would've done without her over the month of December, but I'm really thankful everything worked out the way it did. We still miss our little Piper of course, but we all love little Molly too. :)

Wow, I have alot more to say than I realized. Okay so then Christmas came & was a fun, special time with my family and Josh's family. His sister got engaged-- Yay! The week after Christmas I got my bridesmaids together and we picked a dress for them & everyone loved it, another yay! Then New Years came and was lots of fun.

THEN Passion 2012 at the Dome! What an awesome experience that was. Last year God really shook me up about missions; He moved in a loud, mighty, powerful way in my life. This year was different. He moved in small, still ways. The worship was great and the speakers were moving, but it was a really different experience. He taught me alot about trusting & resting in Him at all times. I stress out over details. Who am I going to sit with or ride with or room with or be in community groups with etc etc .. But I prayed for weeks before about this issue and asked Him to help me just trust that He is in control & would work things out. And He did it! Everything worked out more perfectly than I could've ever planned. He knows what is best and He took care of it without me doing a single thing or worrying for a second (why is it so hard for me to see that the Creator of the universe has my tiny life under control?) Great great great lessons for my life that I'm still applying today-- VERY thankful.

There were lots more moving moments at passion, but thats what has really stuck with me.

So now I'm back in school. Already feeling overwhelmed. Already wanting to walk away from it and say forget it. Sometimes I don't think being a nurse is worth the extreme stress & pressure they put you through in school. And it doesn't end when you graduate either. It never really stops. But for now, this is where God has me. SO I need to suck it up and TRUST that He is going to bring me through and give me what I need to do this.

Well, Molly is crying-- she is probably stuck under the porch. Again. Oh goodness.
Guess thats all I've got to say today-- =]

No point.. Just typing

1) I love game nights. I have more fun sitting around in my comfy clothes playing board games all night than I do "going out". I guess this makes me weird and not your typical college student, but I'm okay with it. I'm proud to be a grandma!

2) Sometimes I do weird things. For instance, today I was watching a little bit of TV and a commercial came on for the "Glee Project" .. I have never watched glee, nor do I ever plan to.. But I got online and looked at these online audition videos. I temporarily went insane and thought "I'm just going to submit a video audition and see what happens" (really Anna? what the heck)... So I got out my handy dandy iPhone, chose the song "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz from their list of song options. I then proceeded to record myself singing my very best version of this song.. (and actually thought oh wow this sounds pretty good!) .. Then I played it back. And laughed. Alot. Thank goodness I came to my senses before I actually put that out there. I looked and sounded like a FOOL! Sometimes I wonder why I do these things.. Random.

3) Last night I gave a shot to a hot dog. We practiced giving shots at school on dummies all day, and she suggested we practice on oranges and hot dogs at home. So what is the first thing I did when I got home? I checked to see if we had any hot dogs, and sure enough we did! So I got my big bag of needles and syringes and my vial of fake medicine (actually "sterile water") and prepared Mr. Oscar Meyer for his shot. My mom was standing there and got so excited when I told her what I was about to do. My goal was to make a "bleb" (like a mosquito bite) right under the skin of Mr. Meyer. Josh left the room right when I pulled the needle out of my bag. Chicken. I then proceeded to draw up the medicine and give the shot, then my mom and I cheered about the "pretty bleb"  I made on this hot dog. We then put my medical hot dog in a special place in the fridge so no one would eat it. I got distracted and went back to my room and a few minutes later heard my mom yelling "Anna! You left your needles on the counter! Don't leave those sitting around the house!" .. Only in the home of a nursing student would you get in trouble for "leaving your needles lying around" (or I guess in the home of a drug addict...? oh gosh, I don't know) Again, random.

Hmm.. I think I'm done now. I got on the computer to do some modules for my Fundamentals class but decided I wanted to write a blog. So here you go. Random. Pointless. Oh well.

:)

Nag Nag Nag...

I have been SO stinking critical lately..

I don't know what my problem is..

It started about 2 months ago. I have something to say about everyone and everything they do, and 9 times out of 10 it's something negative. Who am I to judge? Who am I to stick my nose up at them and act as if I know any better than they do? We had a lesson on Sunday morning about not judging, and it got all over me. I've been spending more time looking at others and what they are doing "wrong" and less time evaluating my own life... And I've spent more energy criticizing the way things are at church and school and home and hardly any energy encouraging and lifting others up. This is NOT the attitude of Christ. This is not who I am supposed to be.

I've been a really crummy representation of my Savior recently. I don't always act out and judge harshly. I do get things right and live in obedience to Christ sometimes. But these times are way less often than the times when I just seem to blow it.

Thankfully, the love God has for me is not based on my actions. There is nothing I could ever do to make Him love me any more or any less. He chose to love me, draw me to Himself, and rescue me based completely on His kindness; it had nothing to do with me. Thank you Lord!!!

...BUT this does not excuse my yucky attitude lately. So what do I do?

My prayer is that Jesus will correct me through His Holy Spirit when I start saying or thinking these negative things. That He will give me that sting of conviction, and that I will listen and obey in response. Maybe that's my issue. I know the Spirit has been convicting me as I get worse and worse, but my response is usually complete ignorance. So no more!! Of course there will always be slip up moments.. None of us are perfect.. But I will start consciously thinking about my thoughts, attitudes, and actions.. I will start comparing them to the person of Jesus and say (this is corny... get ready...) "What would Jesus do?" .. or "What would be my reaction if Jesus were sitting right next to me?" (Which HELLO, He is right next to me! He is everywhere!)

Jesus sees all that I say, all that I think, and all that I do. God knows these things before I even do them. So why not make an effort, through the strength of Christ, to start being better? To put forth the energy and time it takes to change a bad habit.. Not so God will love me more or see me as any better than He sees me today.. But so I can glorify Him and so I can be the woman He has called me to be. All for His purpose and His glory!

It's time to start obeying this verse in every single moment of life:

"Everything you say or do should be done in the name of Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

What are you doing in the name of Jesus today??

It's time for an update

I don't really have anything in mind to say for this blog post.. But I haven't posted in a while, so I decided I'd just start typing and see what comes out.

First thing on my mind: Thank you Lord for letting me get so much wedding planning done during the summer before nursing school started!! I was able to reserve our wedding/reception location, find and purchase my dream wedding dress, reserve our wedding date with Trisha Brinkley Photography, find an awesome DJ and florist, and have a caterer in mind. There is still a good bit left to do, but I have so much done already. God has allowed everything to fall into place perfectly so far, and for that I am so grateful!

And then there was Nursing School. I am halfway through my second week, and literally every moment of every day has to be planned out. I now live by my planner because if I don't, something won't get done and I'll be in trouble. It is hectic, it is scary, the reading and studying never seems to end, and it only gets crazier as the semester  goes on! Yet... I. LOVE. IT. So far, I have no doubt at all that the Lord has called me to be a Nurse. I feel in my element when I'm there. Although lectures are long, and we've had more "orientation" classes than I believed were necessary, I just love it!

Here is an example... Monday I had two clinical labs in a row. During my first lab, we went to "Charger Hospital" where we learned and practiced how to properly wash our hands, and how to dress for standard precautions and isolation situations. We had to put on a gown, mask, eyewear, and gloves in case of "bodily fluid splashes" (sounds fun, right?!) My instructor put hot sauce all over our gloves so we could practice taking off dirty gloves without touching any of the "icky" material on them.. We also practiced how to properly clean up barf.. She poured fake vomit in little piles all over the room and we practiced cleaning it up.. (only in Nursing School.. ha!) Then in my next lab, we had validation on vital signs.. So for an hour, my lab partner and I practiced checking eachother's blood pressures, heart and respiratory rates, and tempertaure. Then we performed it in front of our lab instructor to ensure we were doing in correctly (and we both passed. YES!)

I felt like a little kid on a field trip for the entire afternoon. How silly is that? Not many people would get excited about cleaning up fake puke or practicing checking blood pressures on everyone in sight (including the lab dummies).. But it's what I am supposed to do. I couldn't be any happier.

Is it hard? Yes.

Is it scary? More than you know.

Do I feel overwhelmed? All the time.

Is there too much reading? Um, YEA!

But do I love it? Yes.

I fee like this is "my calling".. And I know that sounds corny, but I don't know how else to put it. I pray God continues to carry me through and keep me calm even when it seems impossible. He will get the glory for whatever happens!!

In the Middle..

I feel like I'm in the middle of two giant mountains...

On one side of me, there is my past.. And on the other side, my future.

And right now I'm just sitting in the middle. 

The past two years have been full of planning for college, decorating dorm rooms, meeting and building relationships with roommates, getting involved and finding some of the most wonderful friendships I've ever had in my church college group, learning what it means to truly have a relationship with my Savior Jesus Christ, going on my first out of country mission trip to Rwanda, Africa, learning how to budget my money and be responsible, becoming my own person, growing up and figuring out how to stand on my own two feet (I'm still in the process of learning that one)

As I look back on my first two years of college, I have so many mixed emotions. I smile because there are so. many. GREAT. memories. Then I want to cry because that chapter of my life has come to a close. I won't ever live in a dorm room again. I won't be experiencing the crazy ups and downs of dorm-life and living with a roommate anymore. I won't ever be the "new kid" at school again (which I don't really mind). I won't ever be in the "easy A" classes like speech or music appreciation again. I never have to take a history or english course again (another one that I don't mind). Those are all things I have experienced. Past tense. And it just seems so weird.

I am about to start Nursing School. I am a Junior in college. I am getting married in one year. I have to grow up. I have to learn how to take care of people and diagnose their diseases. I have to give shots and change bandages and assist in surgeries. I may be helping deliver babies, or take care of critical care patients in an ICU. I have to learn how to cook.. And not just microwave some chicken or pop in a pizza, but really cook a good healthy meal. I have to learn how to sew on a button and iron clothes. I have to learn how to plant and take care of a garden without killing everything in it. I have to learn how to be a NURSE and a WIFE. Oh my goodness!!!!

Looking forward, the future is so so so exciting. I'm not sad about growing up or moving on with my life. It's just starting to hit me. This will be my last Christmas as a "kid" at home. I could be cooking my own Thanksgiving meal next year (although not likely, it still seems crazy!). Josh and I will be our own family next year. I will be a Nurse in two years. In the real world. With a real job. No teachers or "help". No fake  nursing scenarios. Life really is moving on and I really am growing up. Not just playing house or pretending to be a doctor.. This is the real deal!

But right now, I have one month. No school. No job. I do have wedding plans to think about, but nothing to really start on for at least another month or two. So here I sit. In the middle of my past and my future. Remembering so many sweet times, and looking forward to what may be. So I don't really know what to do with this month. I'm thinking about getting a little job or maybe volunteering at the Ark Animal Shelter. I'm not really sure. God will have the ultimate say-so. I think this will be a great preparation time before the madness of Nursing School and wedding plans really start. Just a sweet time for me to grow more in love with my Abba Father. To let HIM prepare my heart for these future events. So HE can make me into the wife and nurse that HE wants me to be. For HIS glory.

This blog won't have much of a conclusion.. Just had all of that on my mind and thought it would help to get it out. Maybe someone out there knows what I'm going through. A mixture of deep sadness over truly growing up, yet inexplicable happiness about becoming the woman God wants me to be.

Please be in prayer for me during this time. I'd really appreciate it. =]

"I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope"

--Jeremiah 29:11

Rwanda- Part Two

This Rwanda update is late, and I'm really sorry about that.. Life has been crazy, busy, and absolutely wonderful-- I'll have to update about all that another time. =]

Alright, where was I? Oh yes. Day one in Kibavu, Rwanda! The building we arrived at was not your typical "church". It was a small home made of wood with blue shudders, a blue door, and a tin roof. This was one of the nicest buildings in the village. Many people were crowded outside of the church; most of the adults sat on long hand-made benches, the children sat on the grassy front yard of the church, and we sat in wooden chairs that had backs built on them (only the very nicest chairs have backs on them.. they would probably be equivalent to our American Lazy-Boy recliners). We started out with a wonderful time of worship. The people danced and smiled.. Waved their hands in the air and jumped up and down for Jesus. They had so much joy. I believe this was one of the first times I've seen true, unbridled, untamed, unashamed, heart-felt worship of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.. I have to imagine that is ALOT what heaven will look like.

After worship, Carrie presented the Evangecube to the crowd. An Evangecube is how we share Jesus with people in Rwanda (and in other countries as well). Most of these people cannot read, so they learn through stories. The Evangecube presents the Word of God in a story form with pictures. If you would like to learn more about this or see how it works, go to www.simplyshareJesus.com. Next, I shared my testimony with the crowd gathered at the church (a crowd that had at least doubled in size since we began worship). After this, Alex asked if anyone would like to accept Jesus as their Savior. He did not ask everyone to close their eyes so the ones who wanted to profess faith wouldn't feel "embarrassed"... He didn't make promises not to "call them out" in front of everyone.. No. He said "if you want to accept Jesus, stand up and walk to the front!" Let me tell you, those people were PROUD to walk forward and say "I WANT TO KNOW JESUS!" They were beaming with joy and pride that they could know the Savior of the world, His forgiveness, His love.

I just wonder why so many times we have to make those "we won't embarrass you" promises.. Why do we have to coax people out of their seats to respond? Why is it so hard to get someone to raise their hand when no one is even looking around? Why are we not running from our seats, joyfully celebrating the fact that we are given the free gift of salvation, graciously and mercifully saved from an eternal Hell? Do we not get the reality of that truth? Do we just not get it? I don't know the answer to those questions.. I've even felt that fear of embarrassment.. But it just makes me wonder...

Back to Rwanda.. We trained teams that first afternoon on how to share the Evangecube, and we gave them their own Evangestrips. These were just like the Evangecube except they're more like bookmarks. We then divided everyone into teams, each team equipped with at least one Evangestrip and "response cards" and we sent them out in different directions around the village (each North American on their own witnessing team with their ministry partner/translator). So Carrie and I went opposite directions down the road.. That was a little unnerving, but not as much as what would come next. Children ran all around me down the dirt path, many grabbing my fingers or touching my skirt or arm. They would laugh almost every time I made eye contact with them. So so so precious.

We came up to a small compound of about five mud huts. In the center, a man had carried out two long benches from his home. I sat down on the bench and 7 or so adult Rwandans gathered around, and a few children as well. Then Enock looked at me and said "Okay, they really want to hear from you. Please share your testimony and the Evangecube" .. This was it. My first Gospel presentation. I said a quick prayer, and the Holy Spirit took over from there. I don't remember what I said, but I do remember feeling like it just poured out. I said things that I didn't plan on saying.. Things that I believe the Holy Spirit prompted me to say. It began raining in the middle of the Evangecube presentation, and in Rwanda, when it rains you don't just sit out in it. You go into the nearest mud hut. You don't have to know whose hut it is, you just go inside. So we gathered around the small mud hut, and our group of 7 had doubled to 14 at least. People kept piling in seeking shelter from the rain. (A funny note: many people came rushing in like it was no big deal, then they looked my direction.. The look on their faces when they saw a white person sitting in a mud hut in their village was so funny!.. It's unheard of for a "muzungu" to come to your village, much less inside of your hut! They would almost jump back from surprise.) Well, I re-started the Evangecube from the beginning, and almost every single adult in that hut accepted Jesus as their Savior! I could hardly believe it! Here is a picture of this sweet group of people:

The days following this were much the same. We would arrive at the church and have a wonderful worship service (the BEST way to start the day in the village).. Then we would divide in teams and go out witnessing. As the second and third day came around, we let the nationals begin sharing on their own. Nationals are people who live in the village; they volunteer to lead a group around the village so we don't get lost. My national's name was Anastasia, and though we spoke different languages, I felt as if she was my sister by the end of the week. I miss her so much. This is a picture of Anastasia sharing her faith with a friend (who chose to accept Jesus by the way!! YAY)

Another thing we did was go to homes and have "I am SECOND" groups. These people did not know they could participate in a Bible study. Many think you must be a pastor to pray or talk about the Bible. They were so excited when we would read a passage and the ask "What do YOU think this means? What do you think this tells you about God?" Their eyes would light up, and they would give the deepest, most sincere answers. It just showed me that the Spirit is the only Teacher. These people who had heard about Jesus for the FIRST time were giving answers that were more "spiritual" than anything I was saying. Amazing. This next photo is of a woman who we had a SECOND group with. She has seven children (some of them photographed). She told me that the witchdoctors killed her husband, and cut off both of her eldest son's legs. Not only this, but her youngest son has a mental disability. This woman was left alone to raise seven children, one legless and one with mental issues, yet she still told me that God loves her and takes care of her. Wow, and I question God's love when I have a "bad day" ... Unshakable faith is the only words I can think of to describe this precious woman (she is the one to the left. The woman in red is Anastasia, my national).

There are so many more stories I could tell from Rwanda. So many neat experiences. God revealed Himself in more ways than I could ever type out. He is so good and so faithful.

All I can say is this.... When you feel a calling to go somewhere, GO. Look into it. God called me to Africa during the Go Serve celebration at Jackson Way. There were no trips to Africa being presented, but I knew that was where I was supposed to go. And four months later, I was in Rwanda.. Preaching His Holy Word through the strength of the Spirit in mud huts. WOW! Glory to the Father :)

We are all commanded to GO and share God's Word and the story of Jesus, but God can lead you to a specific place. Keep your heart open and listen to Him. Even when it doesn't make sense, even when it seems impossible.. God is greater than circumstance, and He will supply.