Terrible Twos...

God has moved in my life more over the past 3 months than ever before. He has grown me and changed me and opened my eyes to so many things. He has convicted me and brought me to some really tough decisions... But I have been SO frustrated with myself lately.. Especially today... Maybe it's a funk from the weather, I don't know.

I feel like I am no longer a "spiritual newborn"... I don't feel like God spoon-feeds me anymore. I don't feel like God is patting me on the back and showing me all the feely-good happy Christianity stuff anymore. Not all of the "oh look how much God loves me" emotions.. Instead, He has started putting some really tough things in front of me. He is bringing me to the hard stuff. And I feel like I am falling flat on my face.

To continue with the childhood analogy.. It is good news that I'm no longer a newborn. This means I have started growing and maturing in my faith. I am further now than I was at the beginning of 2011. MUCH further. But now I feel like I am at the "terrible twos" age. The age where I will look my Abba Father, my Creator in the face and say "No." I do things that I know are wrong. I mess up. I see the temptation coming and instead of running away, I catch myself running straight towards it. What is this? Why am I doing this? I know these things are wrong. I know this isn't who I really want to be. I know my Father doesn't approve. Yet I do it anyways.

I am a Terrible Two.

I know there is always forgiveness. I know every single Jesus follower on this planet messes up. I know I am not condemned because of my mistakes. I know I am covered, fully, no matter what by the blood of Jesus. I know God doesn't expect perfection from me. But I can't help looking at myself and seeing how rebellious I am. How sinful I am. How absolutely unworthy I am of the calling God has given me to spread the His glory to the ends of the Earth.

Why me God? Why do you choose to use a Terrible Two who disobeys and can't seem to learn a lesson? Why place such a high calling on someone who You already KNOW is going to fall short?

And then it hits me..
So YOU get the glory. So I have to lean on YOU for  the strength. So I have to lean on my Savior, JESUS CHRIST for the forgiveness. So I realize how unholy I am, and how infinitely and indescribably Holy YOU are. So I realize that I can never, ever be the person You call me to be. No matter how hard I may try. Not without Jesus holding my hand and the Holy Spirit continually chipping away at the old "me" and replacing it with YOU. I can't do it without You. I can't do anything without You.

This is the place I believe God wants me. I am still going to be a stubborn, stupid sinner. I am still going to fall short. I am still going to say "No" at times. I am still a Terrible Two. BUT I am a Terrible Two who has been saved and forever forgiven by a miraculous Savior. I am a Terrible Two who has a Creator that will never give up on me. I am a Terrible Two who is learning just how terrible I really am, but just how powerful my God is.

God, You can do anything. Even take a Terrible Two and make her into someone whose life is Beautiful in Your eyes. Not because of perfection, not because she never falls, but because she seeks You, she depends on You, and she realizes that she is nothing without her Abba Father, without her Jesus.