Less than 100..

I'm getting married in 68 days. Yep, 68. I'm super super excited, but I'm honestly pretty scared too. The past year has been full of butterflies, smiles, and excitement.. Not that this time isn't also filled with those things, but there are also little whispers of anxiety, nervousness, and pre-wedding jitters. None of those negative feelings have anything to do with the man I'm engaged to. I have never been more sure of anything in my entire life-- he is the one God prepared for me since the beginning of time and God Himself has brought us together. I'm more afraid of the fact that I am about to be a wife. I won't be living at home where mom and dad take care of things anymore. Josh and I will become our own family. We will have each other. We will become each other's first priority. He will be responsible for taking care of me, and I will be responsible for humbly serving him. That sounds so weird. Our society puts such a negative spin on women serving their husbands... but I'm not afraid to say that I will be a servant to my husband. Not a slave. A servant. Just like I am a servant to Christ. I will do it out of love for my husband. And on the days that I don't feel like being a humble servant, I will do it because my Abba Father in Heaven commands me to do it. My parents have set a beautiful example for me on what a Christ-centered marriage looks like, and they give me hope. In a society that is ravaged with divorce and infidelity (two terrifying words), it is becoming more and more rare to find couples who are each other's first marriage; each other's first love. Not that people who have been divorced are forever shunned and horrible- that's not at all what I'm saying. But when I look at Josh, I look at the man that I plan to spend every single breath I have on this earth with. He will forever more be a part of my life. I look back on the past 6 years and feel impressed with "how long we have been together" ... 6 years aint nothing in a marriage. In 6 years you're still in the honeymoon phasse. Okay, not really. But still. That's a baby number compared to 25.. 45.. 50 years of marriage. AH! Okay yea, moments like these are where those jitters come in. Because I sometimes wonder.. How can I vow before God and my loved ones to love one person forever. For longer than I've even been alive. BUT I remember that God is the one who designed marriage. He invented it! He is on our side. And as long as Josh and I are in tune with him personally first and as a couple second, He will give us the love we need for each other. He will provide strength in moments of weakness, patience in moments of anger, and peace in times of struggle that will inevitably come.

I am thankful for the fact that Josh and I don't have to fully rely on our emotions for each other to make our marriage work. Because I've heard from married couples, "you're not always gonna FEEL like loving him".. Fact is, we are humans, and our emotions are not always good. They are not always reliable or trustworthy. Josh and I are relying on an UNFAILING, NEVER FADING God who loves us & promises to give us all that we need in Him. And he never ever breaks His promises. We get to lay our marriage at HIS feet & trust him to take care of it. Thank you thank you thank you, Jesus. I don't know how anyone could expect a marriage to work without Him. We need the love of Jesus to teach us how to correctly love one another. Or at least I do. Cause really, on my own, I'm a dirty yucky selfish person & that isn't going to be good for my marriage. I need my Jesus to make me into the woman I am called to be for Josh, as his wife.

Thank you Jesus for not sending us into this adventure alone. You are right here. At the forefront and center. Help us to keep it that way forever.

6 months... Can you imagine the scene?

Oh goodness gracious. My wedding day is in 6 months... Are you kidding me?! Where did the time go?

In 6 months I will be getting up and getting ready right now.. Spending time with my mommy at home. She is helping me gather my things and prepare for the day. I'll be getting alone with my Lord, thanking and praising him for this day. Shortly, we will heading to my bridal brunch at Peggy's house. I'll eat and laugh and share the excitement with all the sweet women of my bridal party, my family, and my soon-to-be family. Then I will be getting my hair and makeup done-- all of it becoming a little more real. This day is really here. I will head to the Monte Sano Lodge, where I will walk in and see summer-time flowers, smell delicious food, and see candles and vases and pictures of fun memories I've shared with this man I'm about to unite my life with. I will put on my wedding dress and I will be surrounded by the women that I love so much. We will take pictures and laugh and probably cry together. My best friend will be on the other side of the building, surrounded by the men who mean the most to him. Hopefully he will be as excited as I am and won't be running away! Ha!

We will both be gathering in prayer on two opposite sides of the Lodge, but united in one heart, thanking our Lord for each other and for the blessings He has poured out on our lives. For the protection through our stupid years and for the grace that has completely covered and consumed our relationship.

People will arrive, they will greet each other, sign the guestbook, find their seat. Hopefully it won't be too miserably hot and they'll all be able to enjoy the beautiful scenery. Soft music will be playing in the background. My daddy will come into the room where I've been staying. I'll hug his neck so tightly, and thank him for being the most wonderful example of a godly father and husband. I can only hope Josh will live up to the man my daddy has been. :)

We will line up. Heart racing. Knees shaking. Palms sweaty. One by one, the grandmothers and mothers and bridesmaids will make their way down the aisle. There will be smiles all around. I'll give Bella and Georgia a huge hug for being the sweetest & most precious flower girls I could ask for. They'll make their way down. I'll give my father a look and a smile, he will hold out his arm for me, and we will begin walking. I see the guests, the white chairs, the flowers. The music is playing, the guests will rise, and then I will see him. The man who has been by my side through so much. The man who encourages me every day to be a better person. Who has built me up and loved me even when I'm completely unlovable. I will probably cry. And in that moment, it will just be him and I. Together. Finally, finally at this moment where we unite and begin our lives together. We become a family. The Lord God who created us for each other and mostly for HIS glory will mold us into one heart, beating for Him.

Oh goodness I'm getting teary-eyed just imagining it all. I absolutely cannot wait.
Thank you Jesus for this amazing blessing!

6 months guys.. 6 months!!!!!

Just Hush

I've just been thinking, no actually I've been talking a whole lot lately.. And this is the place I've landed...

I really need to learn how to shut my mouth. I don't consider myself a gossip; the first thing they teach you in nursing school is how to keep a secret. That isn't my problem. My problem is talking issues or situations to death. I want to figure everything out & I want to do it right now. So I talk. And I talk some more. And a little more. As if the more I talk around a subject, the closer I will come to figuring it our or finding some sort of solution. Ask Josh, he will tell you how ridiculous I can be with this.

It never works... So why do I continue to do it? I guess I have a really hard time accepting that life happens day-by-day, and sometimes issues take days, months, years to resolve. I could talk for days on end, but it isn't going to speed up time.. I've got to learn how to REST in the Lord. He sees the future. He knows how everything is going to turn out. And HE will provide everything I need to know or do as the time comes. Not right now. But in His timing. See, I know this truth in my head.. But I'm still learning it in my heart.

He is growing me & teaching me every day, but this is the issue that is heaviest on my heart right now. So I'm done talking. There are a million different things going on & a million different viewpoints and opinions about all of it.. But I'm not taking part in the discussion anymore. I'm just going to do what Psalm 46:10 commands: "Be STILL and know that I am God"

Lord help me because in 5 more minutes my mind & my mouth are gonna start running again.. But I know this is what You are asking of me & teaching me today.

Just Hush.

Reflection.

So I haven't blogged since September. I'm feeling the need to just reflect over the past few months. Let's see..

Right before Thanksgiving break, my mom texted me with a picture of some puppies and said "a lady at my work has free lab puppies if you and Josh are interested." Okay, what? My mom never encourages the acquiring of animals. We already had two dogs at the time; I couldn't believe she even told me about this. So, I forwarded the message to Josh, and he responded with "I think that would be a good idea, when can we see the puppies?" Okay, seriously? Josh has always been the rational one in our relationship. I am constantly finding things I want to get into.. I dive in head first without even looking. Josh doesn't; He thinks it through. He thinks of all the pros and cons. And he usually gives me a good ol "you're crazy. just slow down!" wake-up call. But not this time. He actually thought we could get a puppy! YAY.

So we went to my mom's office where the puppies were. There was only one girl there, and she chose us. We decided on the name Molly. At the time, she was only 3 weeks old so we couldn't take her home yet. We said our goodbyes and planned to get her ASAP. Over the next few weeks Josh and I went to PetsMart, bought puppy supplies, and even bought a Labrador Puppy book & read every page in it (which for me is really unusual). We were ready... Or so we thought.

Okay- break in the puppy story. We decided school needed to be completely finished for the semester before we got the puppy.. So finals came along. Oh boy. Talk about stress. I haven't ever been so nervous or studied so hard for anything before. I abandoned my social life and quite alot of sleep, but the Lord carried me through those days and brought me in one piece to the end of the semester (which I honestly thought was NEVER going to come). I came out with my 4.0 in-tact (booya!) and felt really confident but so in need of rest. -- Yea, I wanted rest.. yet I planned to get a puppy. HA. Didn't know what was coming for me.

School ended on a Wednesday afternoon. I went to the spa that day and used a giftcard Josh bought me for my birthday; it was absolutely wonderful. (BlueMed Spa is THE  place! Let me tell ya..) Anyways; Thursday came. My first official day of break. And what did I do? Got my wisdom teeth out. Oh yea, lots of fun. So I spent that day resting & listening to my stomach growl because I couldn't eat anything that wasn't completely squishy (that brought back disturbing memories from meal time at the nursing home--ick). Then came Friday. The second day of break. My mouth was feeling much better, and we decided it was time to get our sweet puppy.

And so began the potty-training, puppy chasing, carpet cleaning, crate training, and sleepless nights.. Rest? What is rest? I love that puppy with all my heart, but getting her at 5 weeks old was NOT the smartest thing I've ever done. The first three weeks with her were a nightmare and I wouldn't re-live them for anything to be honest. At the same time, our 2 year old Shizu, Piper, got sick. She stopped eating on Thursday, and we took her to the vet on Saturday morning (we also took Molly that day because she was pooping and puking worms. Fun). Piper had always been a "sickly" dog, but never like this. She stayed at the vet for a full week because we didn't have the equipment to take care of her at home, but we were finally able to bring her home for a night. She started to perk up and the vet had high hopes for her. Then she crashed again. This time, he didnt think she was going to get better. After a few days of testing, she was diagnosed with kidney failure & we had to make a really hard decision.. But we all agreed it was best for her even though we selfishly wanted to keep her here with us. We knew she would be better off in puppy heaven (maybe I'm dumb, but I totally believe in some kind of place like that..)

This all came to a close the day before Christmas Eve. Molly was better from her worms and had started sleeping through the night, but we were all so sad about losing Piper. This is when I see the Lord's hand involved intricately in our lives. Why did my mom feel the need to tell me about the free lab puppies? Why did Josh also seem to think it was a good idea? Why did it all work out so perfectly? We had no clue we were going to lose Piper. She was fine one week, and gone two weeks later. BUT the Lord knew what our family was headed towards, and that's why I think we have Molly. She is hilarious and fun and so sweet. She bites everyone and everything, she never stops chewing (which the Lab book warned me about), but she always has us smiling or laughing. I don't know what we would've done without her over the month of December, but I'm really thankful everything worked out the way it did. We still miss our little Piper of course, but we all love little Molly too. :)

Wow, I have alot more to say than I realized. Okay so then Christmas came & was a fun, special time with my family and Josh's family. His sister got engaged-- Yay! The week after Christmas I got my bridesmaids together and we picked a dress for them & everyone loved it, another yay! Then New Years came and was lots of fun.

THEN Passion 2012 at the Dome! What an awesome experience that was. Last year God really shook me up about missions; He moved in a loud, mighty, powerful way in my life. This year was different. He moved in small, still ways. The worship was great and the speakers were moving, but it was a really different experience. He taught me alot about trusting & resting in Him at all times. I stress out over details. Who am I going to sit with or ride with or room with or be in community groups with etc etc .. But I prayed for weeks before about this issue and asked Him to help me just trust that He is in control & would work things out. And He did it! Everything worked out more perfectly than I could've ever planned. He knows what is best and He took care of it without me doing a single thing or worrying for a second (why is it so hard for me to see that the Creator of the universe has my tiny life under control?) Great great great lessons for my life that I'm still applying today-- VERY thankful.

There were lots more moving moments at passion, but thats what has really stuck with me.

So now I'm back in school. Already feeling overwhelmed. Already wanting to walk away from it and say forget it. Sometimes I don't think being a nurse is worth the extreme stress & pressure they put you through in school. And it doesn't end when you graduate either. It never really stops. But for now, this is where God has me. SO I need to suck it up and TRUST that He is going to bring me through and give me what I need to do this.

Well, Molly is crying-- she is probably stuck under the porch. Again. Oh goodness.
Guess thats all I've got to say today-- =]