Less than 100..

I'm getting married in 68 days. Yep, 68. I'm super super excited, but I'm honestly pretty scared too. The past year has been full of butterflies, smiles, and excitement.. Not that this time isn't also filled with those things, but there are also little whispers of anxiety, nervousness, and pre-wedding jitters. None of those negative feelings have anything to do with the man I'm engaged to. I have never been more sure of anything in my entire life-- he is the one God prepared for me since the beginning of time and God Himself has brought us together. I'm more afraid of the fact that I am about to be a wife. I won't be living at home where mom and dad take care of things anymore. Josh and I will become our own family. We will have each other. We will become each other's first priority. He will be responsible for taking care of me, and I will be responsible for humbly serving him. That sounds so weird. Our society puts such a negative spin on women serving their husbands... but I'm not afraid to say that I will be a servant to my husband. Not a slave. A servant. Just like I am a servant to Christ. I will do it out of love for my husband. And on the days that I don't feel like being a humble servant, I will do it because my Abba Father in Heaven commands me to do it. My parents have set a beautiful example for me on what a Christ-centered marriage looks like, and they give me hope. In a society that is ravaged with divorce and infidelity (two terrifying words), it is becoming more and more rare to find couples who are each other's first marriage; each other's first love. Not that people who have been divorced are forever shunned and horrible- that's not at all what I'm saying. But when I look at Josh, I look at the man that I plan to spend every single breath I have on this earth with. He will forever more be a part of my life. I look back on the past 6 years and feel impressed with "how long we have been together" ... 6 years aint nothing in a marriage. In 6 years you're still in the honeymoon phasse. Okay, not really. But still. That's a baby number compared to 25.. 45.. 50 years of marriage. AH! Okay yea, moments like these are where those jitters come in. Because I sometimes wonder.. How can I vow before God and my loved ones to love one person forever. For longer than I've even been alive. BUT I remember that God is the one who designed marriage. He invented it! He is on our side. And as long as Josh and I are in tune with him personally first and as a couple second, He will give us the love we need for each other. He will provide strength in moments of weakness, patience in moments of anger, and peace in times of struggle that will inevitably come.

I am thankful for the fact that Josh and I don't have to fully rely on our emotions for each other to make our marriage work. Because I've heard from married couples, "you're not always gonna FEEL like loving him".. Fact is, we are humans, and our emotions are not always good. They are not always reliable or trustworthy. Josh and I are relying on an UNFAILING, NEVER FADING God who loves us & promises to give us all that we need in Him. And he never ever breaks His promises. We get to lay our marriage at HIS feet & trust him to take care of it. Thank you thank you thank you, Jesus. I don't know how anyone could expect a marriage to work without Him. We need the love of Jesus to teach us how to correctly love one another. Or at least I do. Cause really, on my own, I'm a dirty yucky selfish person & that isn't going to be good for my marriage. I need my Jesus to make me into the woman I am called to be for Josh, as his wife.

Thank you Jesus for not sending us into this adventure alone. You are right here. At the forefront and center. Help us to keep it that way forever.

6 months... Can you imagine the scene?

Oh goodness gracious. My wedding day is in 6 months... Are you kidding me?! Where did the time go?

In 6 months I will be getting up and getting ready right now.. Spending time with my mommy at home. She is helping me gather my things and prepare for the day. I'll be getting alone with my Lord, thanking and praising him for this day. Shortly, we will heading to my bridal brunch at Peggy's house. I'll eat and laugh and share the excitement with all the sweet women of my bridal party, my family, and my soon-to-be family. Then I will be getting my hair and makeup done-- all of it becoming a little more real. This day is really here. I will head to the Monte Sano Lodge, where I will walk in and see summer-time flowers, smell delicious food, and see candles and vases and pictures of fun memories I've shared with this man I'm about to unite my life with. I will put on my wedding dress and I will be surrounded by the women that I love so much. We will take pictures and laugh and probably cry together. My best friend will be on the other side of the building, surrounded by the men who mean the most to him. Hopefully he will be as excited as I am and won't be running away! Ha!

We will both be gathering in prayer on two opposite sides of the Lodge, but united in one heart, thanking our Lord for each other and for the blessings He has poured out on our lives. For the protection through our stupid years and for the grace that has completely covered and consumed our relationship.

People will arrive, they will greet each other, sign the guestbook, find their seat. Hopefully it won't be too miserably hot and they'll all be able to enjoy the beautiful scenery. Soft music will be playing in the background. My daddy will come into the room where I've been staying. I'll hug his neck so tightly, and thank him for being the most wonderful example of a godly father and husband. I can only hope Josh will live up to the man my daddy has been. :)

We will line up. Heart racing. Knees shaking. Palms sweaty. One by one, the grandmothers and mothers and bridesmaids will make their way down the aisle. There will be smiles all around. I'll give Bella and Georgia a huge hug for being the sweetest & most precious flower girls I could ask for. They'll make their way down. I'll give my father a look and a smile, he will hold out his arm for me, and we will begin walking. I see the guests, the white chairs, the flowers. The music is playing, the guests will rise, and then I will see him. The man who has been by my side through so much. The man who encourages me every day to be a better person. Who has built me up and loved me even when I'm completely unlovable. I will probably cry. And in that moment, it will just be him and I. Together. Finally, finally at this moment where we unite and begin our lives together. We become a family. The Lord God who created us for each other and mostly for HIS glory will mold us into one heart, beating for Him.

Oh goodness I'm getting teary-eyed just imagining it all. I absolutely cannot wait.
Thank you Jesus for this amazing blessing!

6 months guys.. 6 months!!!!!

Just Hush

I've just been thinking, no actually I've been talking a whole lot lately.. And this is the place I've landed...

I really need to learn how to shut my mouth. I don't consider myself a gossip; the first thing they teach you in nursing school is how to keep a secret. That isn't my problem. My problem is talking issues or situations to death. I want to figure everything out & I want to do it right now. So I talk. And I talk some more. And a little more. As if the more I talk around a subject, the closer I will come to figuring it our or finding some sort of solution. Ask Josh, he will tell you how ridiculous I can be with this.

It never works... So why do I continue to do it? I guess I have a really hard time accepting that life happens day-by-day, and sometimes issues take days, months, years to resolve. I could talk for days on end, but it isn't going to speed up time.. I've got to learn how to REST in the Lord. He sees the future. He knows how everything is going to turn out. And HE will provide everything I need to know or do as the time comes. Not right now. But in His timing. See, I know this truth in my head.. But I'm still learning it in my heart.

He is growing me & teaching me every day, but this is the issue that is heaviest on my heart right now. So I'm done talking. There are a million different things going on & a million different viewpoints and opinions about all of it.. But I'm not taking part in the discussion anymore. I'm just going to do what Psalm 46:10 commands: "Be STILL and know that I am God"

Lord help me because in 5 more minutes my mind & my mouth are gonna start running again.. But I know this is what You are asking of me & teaching me today.

Just Hush.

Reflection.

So I haven't blogged since September. I'm feeling the need to just reflect over the past few months. Let's see..

Right before Thanksgiving break, my mom texted me with a picture of some puppies and said "a lady at my work has free lab puppies if you and Josh are interested." Okay, what? My mom never encourages the acquiring of animals. We already had two dogs at the time; I couldn't believe she even told me about this. So, I forwarded the message to Josh, and he responded with "I think that would be a good idea, when can we see the puppies?" Okay, seriously? Josh has always been the rational one in our relationship. I am constantly finding things I want to get into.. I dive in head first without even looking. Josh doesn't; He thinks it through. He thinks of all the pros and cons. And he usually gives me a good ol "you're crazy. just slow down!" wake-up call. But not this time. He actually thought we could get a puppy! YAY.

So we went to my mom's office where the puppies were. There was only one girl there, and she chose us. We decided on the name Molly. At the time, she was only 3 weeks old so we couldn't take her home yet. We said our goodbyes and planned to get her ASAP. Over the next few weeks Josh and I went to PetsMart, bought puppy supplies, and even bought a Labrador Puppy book & read every page in it (which for me is really unusual). We were ready... Or so we thought.

Okay- break in the puppy story. We decided school needed to be completely finished for the semester before we got the puppy.. So finals came along. Oh boy. Talk about stress. I haven't ever been so nervous or studied so hard for anything before. I abandoned my social life and quite alot of sleep, but the Lord carried me through those days and brought me in one piece to the end of the semester (which I honestly thought was NEVER going to come). I came out with my 4.0 in-tact (booya!) and felt really confident but so in need of rest. -- Yea, I wanted rest.. yet I planned to get a puppy. HA. Didn't know what was coming for me.

School ended on a Wednesday afternoon. I went to the spa that day and used a giftcard Josh bought me for my birthday; it was absolutely wonderful. (BlueMed Spa is THE  place! Let me tell ya..) Anyways; Thursday came. My first official day of break. And what did I do? Got my wisdom teeth out. Oh yea, lots of fun. So I spent that day resting & listening to my stomach growl because I couldn't eat anything that wasn't completely squishy (that brought back disturbing memories from meal time at the nursing home--ick). Then came Friday. The second day of break. My mouth was feeling much better, and we decided it was time to get our sweet puppy.

And so began the potty-training, puppy chasing, carpet cleaning, crate training, and sleepless nights.. Rest? What is rest? I love that puppy with all my heart, but getting her at 5 weeks old was NOT the smartest thing I've ever done. The first three weeks with her were a nightmare and I wouldn't re-live them for anything to be honest. At the same time, our 2 year old Shizu, Piper, got sick. She stopped eating on Thursday, and we took her to the vet on Saturday morning (we also took Molly that day because she was pooping and puking worms. Fun). Piper had always been a "sickly" dog, but never like this. She stayed at the vet for a full week because we didn't have the equipment to take care of her at home, but we were finally able to bring her home for a night. She started to perk up and the vet had high hopes for her. Then she crashed again. This time, he didnt think she was going to get better. After a few days of testing, she was diagnosed with kidney failure & we had to make a really hard decision.. But we all agreed it was best for her even though we selfishly wanted to keep her here with us. We knew she would be better off in puppy heaven (maybe I'm dumb, but I totally believe in some kind of place like that..)

This all came to a close the day before Christmas Eve. Molly was better from her worms and had started sleeping through the night, but we were all so sad about losing Piper. This is when I see the Lord's hand involved intricately in our lives. Why did my mom feel the need to tell me about the free lab puppies? Why did Josh also seem to think it was a good idea? Why did it all work out so perfectly? We had no clue we were going to lose Piper. She was fine one week, and gone two weeks later. BUT the Lord knew what our family was headed towards, and that's why I think we have Molly. She is hilarious and fun and so sweet. She bites everyone and everything, she never stops chewing (which the Lab book warned me about), but she always has us smiling or laughing. I don't know what we would've done without her over the month of December, but I'm really thankful everything worked out the way it did. We still miss our little Piper of course, but we all love little Molly too. :)

Wow, I have alot more to say than I realized. Okay so then Christmas came & was a fun, special time with my family and Josh's family. His sister got engaged-- Yay! The week after Christmas I got my bridesmaids together and we picked a dress for them & everyone loved it, another yay! Then New Years came and was lots of fun.

THEN Passion 2012 at the Dome! What an awesome experience that was. Last year God really shook me up about missions; He moved in a loud, mighty, powerful way in my life. This year was different. He moved in small, still ways. The worship was great and the speakers were moving, but it was a really different experience. He taught me alot about trusting & resting in Him at all times. I stress out over details. Who am I going to sit with or ride with or room with or be in community groups with etc etc .. But I prayed for weeks before about this issue and asked Him to help me just trust that He is in control & would work things out. And He did it! Everything worked out more perfectly than I could've ever planned. He knows what is best and He took care of it without me doing a single thing or worrying for a second (why is it so hard for me to see that the Creator of the universe has my tiny life under control?) Great great great lessons for my life that I'm still applying today-- VERY thankful.

There were lots more moving moments at passion, but thats what has really stuck with me.

So now I'm back in school. Already feeling overwhelmed. Already wanting to walk away from it and say forget it. Sometimes I don't think being a nurse is worth the extreme stress & pressure they put you through in school. And it doesn't end when you graduate either. It never really stops. But for now, this is where God has me. SO I need to suck it up and TRUST that He is going to bring me through and give me what I need to do this.

Well, Molly is crying-- she is probably stuck under the porch. Again. Oh goodness.
Guess thats all I've got to say today-- =]

No point.. Just typing

1) I love game nights. I have more fun sitting around in my comfy clothes playing board games all night than I do "going out". I guess this makes me weird and not your typical college student, but I'm okay with it. I'm proud to be a grandma!

2) Sometimes I do weird things. For instance, today I was watching a little bit of TV and a commercial came on for the "Glee Project" .. I have never watched glee, nor do I ever plan to.. But I got online and looked at these online audition videos. I temporarily went insane and thought "I'm just going to submit a video audition and see what happens" (really Anna? what the heck)... So I got out my handy dandy iPhone, chose the song "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz from their list of song options. I then proceeded to record myself singing my very best version of this song.. (and actually thought oh wow this sounds pretty good!) .. Then I played it back. And laughed. Alot. Thank goodness I came to my senses before I actually put that out there. I looked and sounded like a FOOL! Sometimes I wonder why I do these things.. Random.

3) Last night I gave a shot to a hot dog. We practiced giving shots at school on dummies all day, and she suggested we practice on oranges and hot dogs at home. So what is the first thing I did when I got home? I checked to see if we had any hot dogs, and sure enough we did! So I got my big bag of needles and syringes and my vial of fake medicine (actually "sterile water") and prepared Mr. Oscar Meyer for his shot. My mom was standing there and got so excited when I told her what I was about to do. My goal was to make a "bleb" (like a mosquito bite) right under the skin of Mr. Meyer. Josh left the room right when I pulled the needle out of my bag. Chicken. I then proceeded to draw up the medicine and give the shot, then my mom and I cheered about the "pretty bleb"  I made on this hot dog. We then put my medical hot dog in a special place in the fridge so no one would eat it. I got distracted and went back to my room and a few minutes later heard my mom yelling "Anna! You left your needles on the counter! Don't leave those sitting around the house!" .. Only in the home of a nursing student would you get in trouble for "leaving your needles lying around" (or I guess in the home of a drug addict...? oh gosh, I don't know) Again, random.

Hmm.. I think I'm done now. I got on the computer to do some modules for my Fundamentals class but decided I wanted to write a blog. So here you go. Random. Pointless. Oh well.

:)

Nag Nag Nag...

I have been SO stinking critical lately..

I don't know what my problem is..

It started about 2 months ago. I have something to say about everyone and everything they do, and 9 times out of 10 it's something negative. Who am I to judge? Who am I to stick my nose up at them and act as if I know any better than they do? We had a lesson on Sunday morning about not judging, and it got all over me. I've been spending more time looking at others and what they are doing "wrong" and less time evaluating my own life... And I've spent more energy criticizing the way things are at church and school and home and hardly any energy encouraging and lifting others up. This is NOT the attitude of Christ. This is not who I am supposed to be.

I've been a really crummy representation of my Savior recently. I don't always act out and judge harshly. I do get things right and live in obedience to Christ sometimes. But these times are way less often than the times when I just seem to blow it.

Thankfully, the love God has for me is not based on my actions. There is nothing I could ever do to make Him love me any more or any less. He chose to love me, draw me to Himself, and rescue me based completely on His kindness; it had nothing to do with me. Thank you Lord!!!

...BUT this does not excuse my yucky attitude lately. So what do I do?

My prayer is that Jesus will correct me through His Holy Spirit when I start saying or thinking these negative things. That He will give me that sting of conviction, and that I will listen and obey in response. Maybe that's my issue. I know the Spirit has been convicting me as I get worse and worse, but my response is usually complete ignorance. So no more!! Of course there will always be slip up moments.. None of us are perfect.. But I will start consciously thinking about my thoughts, attitudes, and actions.. I will start comparing them to the person of Jesus and say (this is corny... get ready...) "What would Jesus do?" .. or "What would be my reaction if Jesus were sitting right next to me?" (Which HELLO, He is right next to me! He is everywhere!)

Jesus sees all that I say, all that I think, and all that I do. God knows these things before I even do them. So why not make an effort, through the strength of Christ, to start being better? To put forth the energy and time it takes to change a bad habit.. Not so God will love me more or see me as any better than He sees me today.. But so I can glorify Him and so I can be the woman He has called me to be. All for His purpose and His glory!

It's time to start obeying this verse in every single moment of life:

"Everything you say or do should be done in the name of Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

What are you doing in the name of Jesus today??

It's time for an update

I don't really have anything in mind to say for this blog post.. But I haven't posted in a while, so I decided I'd just start typing and see what comes out.

First thing on my mind: Thank you Lord for letting me get so much wedding planning done during the summer before nursing school started!! I was able to reserve our wedding/reception location, find and purchase my dream wedding dress, reserve our wedding date with Trisha Brinkley Photography, find an awesome DJ and florist, and have a caterer in mind. There is still a good bit left to do, but I have so much done already. God has allowed everything to fall into place perfectly so far, and for that I am so grateful!

And then there was Nursing School. I am halfway through my second week, and literally every moment of every day has to be planned out. I now live by my planner because if I don't, something won't get done and I'll be in trouble. It is hectic, it is scary, the reading and studying never seems to end, and it only gets crazier as the semester  goes on! Yet... I. LOVE. IT. So far, I have no doubt at all that the Lord has called me to be a Nurse. I feel in my element when I'm there. Although lectures are long, and we've had more "orientation" classes than I believed were necessary, I just love it!

Here is an example... Monday I had two clinical labs in a row. During my first lab, we went to "Charger Hospital" where we learned and practiced how to properly wash our hands, and how to dress for standard precautions and isolation situations. We had to put on a gown, mask, eyewear, and gloves in case of "bodily fluid splashes" (sounds fun, right?!) My instructor put hot sauce all over our gloves so we could practice taking off dirty gloves without touching any of the "icky" material on them.. We also practiced how to properly clean up barf.. She poured fake vomit in little piles all over the room and we practiced cleaning it up.. (only in Nursing School.. ha!) Then in my next lab, we had validation on vital signs.. So for an hour, my lab partner and I practiced checking eachother's blood pressures, heart and respiratory rates, and tempertaure. Then we performed it in front of our lab instructor to ensure we were doing in correctly (and we both passed. YES!)

I felt like a little kid on a field trip for the entire afternoon. How silly is that? Not many people would get excited about cleaning up fake puke or practicing checking blood pressures on everyone in sight (including the lab dummies).. But it's what I am supposed to do. I couldn't be any happier.

Is it hard? Yes.

Is it scary? More than you know.

Do I feel overwhelmed? All the time.

Is there too much reading? Um, YEA!

But do I love it? Yes.

I fee like this is "my calling".. And I know that sounds corny, but I don't know how else to put it. I pray God continues to carry me through and keep me calm even when it seems impossible. He will get the glory for whatever happens!!